I have a title that I'm more than 80% happy with! As Henry Ford once said "One of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his great surprises, is to find he can do what he was afraid he couldn't do." I'm really happy with my newer version of the script. It's like chipping away at marble in the hope that by the time you're done it will have turned into a bust that is just as beautiful or more so than the source that inspired it - The Uses of Others (2nd draft).
As normal, I had mostly very helpful advice from the class. Lots of points to look at and to research into;
Firstly regarding content...
- Does Pat die? How?
- French maybe too much?
- Eddie and Lana's nationality is implied by their accents so you don't need to state it as well.
- Work on the 'real man normally' line.
- Pat could have heartburn to show signs of a stroke? Gesture to her arm?
- What does Stuart do whilst on the phone? Is he getting ready to leave?
- How does Stuart feel when looking at Pat's body?
- Lana is pro-active, Stuart is re-active - emphasis this.
- Stuart should be more shaken whilst smoking.
- Don't need the (calmly) parenthetical.
- Don't link to Dad, it's distracting.
- Focus on detail.
- Eddie almost sounds like he is introducing himself, make it clear they know each other. Maybe he is the Head-porter that night?
- Eddie less dialogue use action in locker room scene.
- In the car to show Stuart doesn't want to talk have him change the subject to Eddie.
- Lana should express herself through action not dialogue.
- 'He doesn't kiss like you line' likely to cause more problems not lead to resolution.
- What do they feel in the last scene? Lana wants to opt in the marriage and Stuart out?
- No need for Stuarts 'intrigued by' Pat line.
- Instead of Lana speaking aggressively use assertively.
- Lana should put her hands in Stuarts when trying to reason with him.
- Eddie and Lana's heated moment need less dialogue.
- Describe Stuart as shadowy when is the car.
and secondly the formatting;
- No numbering of scenes
- Before Eddies appears on screen we hear his voice so use (O.S.)
- Characters need introducing before they appear.
- Bedroom to bathroom is two scenes, as is car park to front seat of car.
- Coughing, gasping need to be in caps.
- When a character speaks and action is described use (continued) if afterwards they are still speaking.
It seems like a lot to think about but until someone else points out something it's very hard to see improvement/mistakes when you're so closely tired to the work. Plus it's really all going to make the script more coherent and resonate to an audience. I'm excited to redraft. Only one week left! Argh!
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Brief for Week 12
Revise script
Brief for Week 12
Revise script