When bringing all of the aspects of my story together to create my first draft I referred to Mckee' Story a lot when developing my characters. He asserts that the morale ground of a character, or as he puts it their 'true character', is expressed only through the way by which they deal with the obstacles that they face. He also adds that "the greater the pressure, the truer and deeper the choice to character." Pat dies almost in front of Stuart - what does he do? How does he react? Is he a good person? Does her help? Or leave and therefore imply that he is a bad person? These choices shape my characters and, if they are told convincingly through action and dialogue, make the story believable.
Here is the first draft of my script: Pat (first draft) by Tom Stock. It's kinda how I imagined the story in my head. Luckily it also kinda wrote itself. This was helpful because it allowed me to be very visual with my action due to the strong sense of suspense and mystery that the narrative has. However the dialogue was one aspect that I struggled to feel secure with. I added some of the more poetic dialogue to convey emotion but feel I may be hindering the characters authenticity through over usage. I was also battling with a title for my script. I know it's not important and will come with development but I can't find a name that fits. 'Excuses of Youth', 'Lana & Stuart', 'All Good Things', 'Mistakes', were all possible titles. Screenwriter Hoffman suggests to writers that it's fine to have a script without a title as long as you have a script. He assures us a great title comes with hard work and patience stating "Creation is mysterious, and like great endings, titles come to us on the road to something else. Working titles function as a lamp to that road." (http://www.bluecatscreenplay.com/news/naming_your_baby.php). I would really feel anchored if I could find an apt name but for now have gone back to 'Pat' as 'Convenience' didn't really work.
My feedback this week was really insightful. I was encouraged because there were no comments about lack of understanding the story, just general points about ways to make it better through better formatting and redrafting;
- They liked that Pat spoke brief words in French and felt maybe she'd do the same for 'please' and 'thank you' etc.
- Hone in on the dialogue. Some of it is 'on the nose' and needs either editing out or rephrasing - can I say it better with action?
- The 'Mrs Morris' line should be quick and brief the first time and detailed on the repetition to imply she's going through the motions, preoccupied with other things.
- Some minor spelling mistakes.
- Capitalise sounds that you hear, for example HUMMING
- Be careful to write actions not common phrases, for example 'smoking' rather than 'chain smoking'.
- When Lana 'understands' how exactly does she do this? Does she touch Stuarts hand? Does she say something to tell him this? The same with when she goes to the spot where she's 'always' picked up. The audience have no way of knowing that so change the phrasing.
- Only capitalise characters when they are introduced.
- Build up Eddie. More lines and action. More defined character
- When Stuart calls 999 they could arrive very quickly so he needs to be rushing about grabbing his stuff not taking his time to leave.
I find it really valuable collecting others views about my script; I can immediately see what they respond to and what they don't understand. Now I'm getting use to the constructive criticism I can use it to my advantage and even if I don't follow their advice exactly I try to re-evaluate why the line of dialogue or action failed to achieve the purpose I had written it for. I guess the bones now have skin; now all they need is a bit of muscle.
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Brief for Week 11
Revise script
Brief for Week 11
Revise script