Week 10 - More work-shopping scripts

The Name Game

When bringing all of the aspects of my story together to create my first draft I referred to Mckee' Story a lot when developing my characters. He asserts that the morale ground of a character, or as he puts it their 'true character', is expressed only through the way by which they deal with the obstacles that they face. He also adds that "the greater the pressure, the truer and deeper the choice to character." Pat dies almost in front of Stuart - what does he do? How does he react? Is he a good person? Does her help? Or leave and therefore imply that he is a bad person? These choices shape my characters and, if they are told convincingly through action and dialogue, make the story believable.

Here is the first draft of my script: Pat (first draft) by Tom Stock. It's kinda how I imagined the story in my head. Luckily it also kinda wrote itself. This was helpful because it allowed me to be very visual with my action due to the strong sense of suspense and mystery that the narrative has. However the dialogue was one aspect that I struggled to feel secure with. I added some of the more poetic dialogue to convey emotion but feel I may be hindering the characters authenticity through over usage. I was also battling with a title for my script. I know it's not important and will come with development but I can't find a name that fits. 'Excuses of Youth', 'Lana & Stuart', 'All Good Things', 'Mistakes', were all possible titles. Screenwriter Hoffman suggests to writers that it's fine to have a script without a title as long as you have a script. He assures us a great title comes with hard work and patience stating "Creation is mysterious, and like great endings, titles come to us on the road to something else. Working titles function as a lamp to that road." (http://www.bluecatscreenplay.com/news/naming_your_baby.php). I would really feel anchored if I could find an apt name but for now have gone back to 'Pat' as 'Convenience' didn't really work.

My feedback this week was really insightful. I was encouraged because there were no comments about lack of understanding the story, just general points about ways to make it better through better formatting and redrafting;

• They liked that Pat spoke brief words in French and felt maybe she'd do the same for 'please' and 'thank you' etc.
• Hone in on the dialogue. Some of it is 'on the nose' and needs either editing out or rephrasing - can I say it better with action?
• The 'Mrs Morris' line should be quick and brief the first time and detailed on the repetition to imply she's going through the motions, preoccupied with other things.
• Some minor spelling mistakes.
• Capitalise sounds that you hear, for example HUMMING
• Be careful to write actions not common phrases, for example 'smoking' rather than 'chain smoking'.
• When Lana 'understands' how exactly does she do this? Does she touch Stuarts hand? Does she say something to tell him this? The same with when she goes to the spot where she's 'always' picked up. The audience have no way of knowing that so change the phrasing.
• Only capitalise characters when they are introduced.
• Build up Eddie. More lines and action. More defined character
• When Stuart calls 999 they could arrive very quickly so he needs to be rushing about grabbing his stuff not taking his time to leave.

I find it really valuable collecting others views about my script; I can immediately see what they respond to and what they don't understand. Now I'm getting use to the constructive criticism I can use it to my advantage and even if I don't follow their advice exactly I try to re-evaluate why the line of dialogue or action failed to achieve the purpose I had written it for. I guess the bones now have skin; now all they need is a bit of muscle.

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Brief for Week 11

Revise script

Week 9 - Work-shopping scripts

Objective/Subjective

I'm coming round to Phillips reasoning about basing scripts on content familiar to me. In Writing Short Scripts he argues "Most stories based on people and events that have not been part of the writer's life fail." He details that it causes problems regarding believability if, for example, a writer who has never climbed a mountain writes a script about climbing a mountain. I can see his logic, especially regarding inexperienced writers like myself, but can see this is where research becomes an invaluable asset. I realise I've set myself a big challenge being an unmarried young man writing about a couples marriage troubles, their individual infidelities, and their possible resolution, not to mention one of the female characters is an ageing prostitute and the other from a country I've never been to. Well here are the first few scenes of my script. It's now called Convenience. Though I'm not sure about that title, I couldn't keep calling it Pat when the story is not longer about her.

Naturally it gives you nervous butterflies having people judge your work but I have a quiet confidence with this story. I think there's something interesting about the characters that drives the story forward but it does need a lot of attention. After having the scenes read aloud I filled in the rest myself. The class then made several key points and suggestions;

• The female characters were clear; males not so much.
• Possible ending change. 'Green card' marriage doesn't work. Is distracting/confusing.
• Twist the lovers status. Stuart is in the wrong at the start so maybe make him the right one by the end.
• They liked how the dialogue expanded the characters visually.
• Differentiate between Eddie and Stuart; they are too similar.
• Examine what it is I want to say with my script. Make it clear.
• Do I just want to shock?
• Suggested I make Eddie and Lana the same nationality.
• They enjoyed the strong female characters
• Do I need a twist ending or would a confrontation be just as effective?
• Lana could be pregnant or trying to get pregnant?
• They have an open marriage?

All the feedback this week was helpful in gauging the clarity of my narrative and characters on an audience; I've highlighted a few points that stuck me as vital in improving my work. The marriage of convenience doesn't work, it's gone. Eddie and Stuart are too akin, even when I picture them in my head. To make their differences apparent Eddie is now from the same country as Lana (Latvia) and he is smooth, good-looking, tall, cheeky, talks the talk; while Stuart is reserved, average looking/height, masculine and doesn't talk about his feelings. Now for the hard question - What am I trying to say? I guess after analysing the story I want to say something important regarding honesty. Both Lana and Stuart do wrong things (he hires a hooker and she kisses Eddie when married) but how to resolve things? I'm edging toward concluding with the couple knowing about the other ones extramarital affairs whether that be prior to the events on screen or maybe a confessional in the last scene. I like the idea that their honesty and openness keeps them together even if the actions resulting from those points seemingly push them apart.

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Brief for Week 10

Revise script