Looking over my first pitch idea I found it to be a bit flat. The twist at the end was fine but it was more an accumulation of the British social realist ideas that have already been overdone in the past; male rebellion, teen pregnancy, absentee father, educational ambivalence etc. The idea needs some work to become rounded. I thought about maybe Frankie telling his Mum and his Mum suggesting or paying for an abortion. My idea is almost the start of a feature film, setting up the characters to be more than they seem. Phillips warms in his book Writing Short Scripts that "Your scripts should imitate life, not someone else's imitations of it." He advises that writers should create from there own knowledge a story and/or characters to help make informed ideas. With Government Baby I'd done the opposite, thought of an interesting concept then made characters to fit within it.
For one of my other modules we have to interview someone whom we do not know. I've chosen my house-mates mother Karen. At dinner (sort of a pre-interview) Karen and her friend told me about an experience they had as receptionists at a hospital. An woman in her 50's had died and her body brought to their desk. She had no bag or belongings and all that was know about her was that she was a hooker called Pat. The story had a kind of dark humour to it. How did they know she was a hooker? How did they know she was called Pat? Suddenly I was intrigued by the mystery of the woman. I thought what if she died whilst at 'work' and her client had to call 999 but didn't want to be implicated because he's married. The character grew the more I thought about her. I didn't want to give up on my first pitch so I thought writing another and then letting the class decide which they preferred was a safe bet. After all they are my initial audience and critics.
Here's my 2nd pitch idea;
Pat by Tom Stock
Stuart relaxes in the hotel bedroom. He hears Pat humming to herself in the bathroom. Singing a few lines she puts on her silk nightdress. The bathroom door opens and with a lit fag hanging from her mouth she huskily asks Stuart (who is old enough to be her son) if he likes what he sees. He replies by asking her if she has to smoke in the room. She stubbornly asks him the same question again. He says it depends on how much she charges. She slowly struts up to him and whispers ‘half price because you’re my favourite Stanley’. He tells her his name is Stuart and she says she knows and asks him to pour her a glass of wine. She states the room is a bit French and that she always wanted to visit Paris, but cuts herself off to ask him what size condom he needs. He tells her to come and find out and then pulls her onto the bed.
Lana is talking to someone on the phone. We can see by the ring on her finger she is married. She puts down the phone and shouts out into the waiting room ‘Mrs Morris the Doctor will see you in Room 5A’. She repeats herself. Frustrated she turns around to ask her colleague to try, stating that people sometimes don’t understand her accent. Her colleague tries and is successful. Eddie, standing behind her, tells her he understands every word she says. Without turning around she tells Eddie that he seems to be the only one. She turns and smiles whilst catching his eye. Keeping eye contact she asks him how she can help and he tells her he’s the porter for the night. She tells him she’s glad she has a real man tonight. Eddie retorts doesn’t she have a real man every night, which makes her blush and giggle.
Laughing loudly Pat lights up a fag and tells Stuart that he’s a dirty fucker. Whilst going to the bathroom to freshen up she asks ‘Stanley’ to pour her another glass. This time Stuart doesn’t correct her instead he asks her how much for another go. The bathroom door opens slightly and Pat says ‘Ah so you do like what you see darling?’ and winks at him, before closing the door and singing to herself. Seconds later Stuart hears a loud gasping and then a giant thud and runs into the bathroom to see Pat dead on the bathroom floor. She’s been sick and there’s severe bleeding. He checks her pulse and notices a tattoo of a heart on her thigh. Around the heart in a scroll is the name Stanley. Stuart panics and goes to ring hotel reception but hangs up. Then rings 999 and tells them what has happened. They ask for her details but all he knows is that she’s called Pat. They ask if she has identification so he looks through her bag. All he can find is a purse with Pat on it. Stuart opens the purse and inside it over a thousand pounds cash. No ID. The voice asks him for the address and tells him that the police will be around to inspect the body shortly. He hangs up and quickly gets dressed and grabs his belongings. On the bed he sees the purse. He grabs it and takes out his money leaving the rest. He opens the door to leave the room but pauses to take his wedding ring out of his pocket and place back on his finger. He then looks at the purse open on the bed one more time.
In a quiet side room Lana and Eddie are aggressively kissing. In-between breaths he tells her that he has wanted to kiss her for months but he held off because she’s married. She immediately stops, fingers her wedding ring and tells herself, ‘yes two years’. Without looking at him she whispers she’s sorry, grabs her coat and bag and runs out of the room. Before he can run after her she calls to her friend and together they leave the building. Eddie angrily slams the door and slumps to the floor. Outside Lana is asked by her friend if she needs a lift and tells her that her husband is here. She then gets into a nearby car. Lana greets her husband Stuart and asks how his day was. He says shit but would rather not talk about it. Lana says her day was the same and asks him if the letter came. Stuart looking pensive just nods. Lana asks him if they’re having a visit and he nods again. Visibly shattered she replies ‘shit’ He tells her that it’s next Wednesday and asks if she can make it. This time she just nods. After a pause Lana informs Stuart that she’ll now have to meet his mother. The car is silent and the couple stare uneasily forward.
The class almost unanimously voted for my 2nd pitch saying they liked the characters and found the story interesting. However they didn't understand the scene at the end and found some parts confusing. When I explained that the marriage between Lana and Stuart was one of convenience (so she could obtain a British passport) some said that it subtracted from the tension created by their individual affairs. Others commented that they liked the narrative of the scenes and how they cut away at important points making them want to know what happened next. Cooper & Dancyger state in Writing the Short Film that "...one of the tasks of any narrative, whatever the medium, is to engage the curiosity of it's audience." I'm pleased that the characters are very visual though the class said that I should make the difference between Eddie and Stuart more noticeable. They also felt that Pat was important enough to be the name of the title and that Lana and Stuart had a more intreiging presence. I agree with all of these points and can see how I can put skin on the bones of my pitch. In the lecture we discussed Stanislavsky's concept of 'beats' within a scene which I think easily applies to my pitch. When writing the scene for next week I will explore how I can move forward with the narrative but still keep some mystery. However the resolution between the couple in the last scene needs to be handled delicately so not to turn into melodrama. As critic David Lodge states in The Art of Fiction, a writer should interest an audience by "...raising questions in their minds, and delaying the answers,". I can see my problem being too many questions, not enough answers.
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Brief for Week 8
Write a scene involving the protagonist of your film scenario in which something changes.
The scene does not have to include dialogue. The scene can be of any length and should be written in correct screenplay format and style.
Bring it to class next week on paper.